Ten weeks later

It took me a while to realise that 10 weeks have past since I left my job and 6 weeks since the last update one month ago. Where did all that time go? Has my life changed in anyway? How did my break go? Am I now ready to head back to work and end this self-imposed sabbatical?

Well, I have to confess that there is only one answer – No! – to all the above questions. Yet to learn my lesson, I am still terribly busy and no closer to resolving this issue of busy-ness in my life. This is obvious given how infrequently I post on this blog. Over the past month or so, I allowed piles of assignments, social engagements, church commitments and the like to take over my life and fill up my calendar before I realized what was happening! And so I learnt, if I don’t guard my time, all of it is going to get stolen!

Slightly wiser than before, I have started to schedule items that previously never made it to my calendar e.g. family, crafts, exercise and nap, and block my time for these. This ensures, as I learnt from Simplify by Bill Hybels, that I give time to the truly important matters in my life. An additional benefit of doing this: I am now more realistic about how much time I have for other activities and not over commit myself, as I am so prone to doing. However, all these are easier said than done.

Even as I start to harness the positive power of scheduling, keeping to the schedule is a challenge and remains a discipline issue that needs working on. That said, there is all to gain and nothing to lose in trying, so why not just keep at it?

As I continue my struggle to overcome busy-ness and the ensuing physical and emotional fatigue, cognitively I am getting restless. I am looking for things to occupy my need-to-be-active mind. Unfortunately, the truth is, my detox session is far from over – I don’t think it has really begun yet! – and if the physical me and the emotional me ain’t back in the tip-top condition, I realistically should not be pushing myself to go back to work or take up time-bound part-time assignments. As such, I need to find other ways to occupy my mind… And so, I read, I think, and I reflect.

One important insight that came to me recently is: the difference between “I don’t mind” and “I like.” For too long, my life is constructed upon things “I don’t mind,” whether it is work or people. It has come to a point where I realized I no longer have a clear sense of what I like. For me, this is unacceptable. I need to be working in an area of passion, guided by a personal vision of how things should be; I can only stomach “I don’t mind” for a limited period of time. This means, until I find my passion, what I really like, I will always be drifting, unable to settle. And I don’t think I would like that very much. So, I guess my next big project would be uncovering my passion. How exactly is that going to happen? Whether or not I will really find it, I am dreadfully unsure. However, I am hopeful; all things in good time.

As I look back… Not much has changed, and yet I feel that something has changed. I am not sure what, and in good time, I guess things will figure themselves out.

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