Ever since I moved to Oxford, everyone around me has heard my endless whines about my never-ending struggle battle with with wasps and spiders. Honestly, even I myself am quite sick of telling the same old story… except that I continue to be traumatised with every ‘new’ encounter.
That said, a few evenings ago, I received a revelation that changed how I perceive my circumstances, which I hope will help me better deal with the situation, or at least put me in a better frame of mind to do so.
A couple of weeks ago, there was a spider (or two) that decided to make its home on the inside of my flat, between my window and the net that I put up to keep precisely spiders and wasps out. Everyday, for as long as the spider was hanging around, my attention gravitated toward that spider at the window, totally distracted and unable to focus on my work. I was always wondering when the spider would find its way into the apartment despite the net. You can imagine, how anxious that period was for me.
Then one day, I realised, why am I focusing on the spider instead of focusing on Christ? He who brought me to Oxford, to my present apartment is not a God who makes mistakes. Surely, I can trust Him to protect me from spiders! God cared for the lilies and the birds, surely he does care for me, as the bible says. And at that moment, I learnt yet another object lesson from God – Focus on Him instead of my fears. If I continually fix my gaze on the source of my fear, how am I going to receive peace from the source that I am ignoring?
And not too long after I had this realisation, the spider sort of went away on its own. It has been 1 to 2 weeks and I have not seen it again; and I hope that it will continue to stay away.
Now, you would think that this episode surely is enough, and I would now finally be able to settle down and focus on my research. Well, not so.
Just a few days ago, I had visitations from wasps despite a sealed window (remember the net?). Not one, but two! And I had no idea how they got in… probably followed me in as I was going in and out of my apartment for laundry. You need to realise (for friends who do not live here) that wasps are not like spiders in that wasps fly, and they fly pretty fast. Once they get into the apartment, it is near mission impossible to get them out.
Eventually, through much prayer and effort, I managed to disarm the wasps and dispose of them outside my apartment. However, this particular episode traumatised me so much that the slightest buzzing sound (that sounds like wasps flying about), which some times could come from the kettle, the light or even my earphones would unnerve me. I was in jitters for most part of the day and the day after. I was absolutely miserable. I felt like I was losing my mind, unable to concentrate, and kept thinking that another wasp was going to show up the next minute.
But God reminded me… where is my faith? Why did I not trust that as I prayed for God’s protection to keep the wasps away, He would indeed do so? Again, why am I not focusing my mind on God’s goodness and greatness and instead was focusing on my source of fear? It is ironic that trauma has a way of revealing just how little faith I have. The verse from Matthew 17:20 and its reference to “faith like a grain of mustard seed” became truly poignant. It is true that I have so little faith that it is less than a grain of mustard seed.
I now realise that my continual struggle with wasps and spiders is not merely one that happens on the physical realm, there is also spiritual warfare going on, which I need to be mindful of as well. Honestly, I am not sure where all these will lead and what will eventually become of me. I can only do my utmost to live out Proverbs 3:5-6:
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
6 In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
An Ordinary City Dweller 